i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize