I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Randomize
