if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
