Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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