Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
