I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
