every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The adults are the big ones right?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
