Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
