Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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