meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
