I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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