i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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