I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
