The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
