Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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