Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
