Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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