he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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