omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize