Your tits are I can't wait for
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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