thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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