someone get that fucking seahorse.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
