is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize