I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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