i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
