Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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