My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
