That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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