im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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