Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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