It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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