1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
