Im at strip club and am horny
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The adults are the big ones right?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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