I wish I could teleport
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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