I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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