I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
