Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
