We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
