i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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