I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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