i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
