new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
