i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
