just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
