My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize