Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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