I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm getting married
To pizza
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
