I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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