shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
