Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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