I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
