did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
