It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
