This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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