U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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