A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
