I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
