you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
