Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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