My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
